On second thought... Is it really Anger?

I was so angry at my husband. Well, I thought I was. For two minutes, I was rehearsing all of the things I wanted to say to him because he didn’t listen to me.

But the truth is, under the anger was disappointment. Misdirected. I was disappointed in myself, because I didn’t listen to me.

But until I figured that part out, I was blaming him.

Here’s the backstory. It’s been so hot for weeks on end. Relentless heat. Way hotter than a normal Colorado summer. That, coupled with other life stuff, has me tired to the bone and I know it. For the past few weeks, the thought of riding my mountain bike in this oppressive heat has been less appealing, but I’ve been getting up early to get out there anyway. I feel the pressure to ride trails on weekends because I don’t get to during the week and the season always feels too short.

By Thursday, the same question comes up, “Where should we ride this weekend?”

When my husband asked, I said, “Honestly, I’m feeling a road ride. It’s going to be 100 degrees again. I don’t want to have to be out the door by 6:15-6:30. I’d rather sleep a little later, chill a little and ride from the house.”

Road riding always feels a little gentler anyway, and because of the speed, you don’t feel the heat in the same way.

But the question came up again Friday night. “What are you thinking about tomorrow?”

I knew that my answer hadn’t changed, but I agreed to get up early and do one of our standard “easier” mountain bike rides that isn’t punishing.

The alarm went off at 5:30. Nothing in me wanted to get out of bed yet. But I did. When we were “wheels up” a little over an hour later and my heart rate was elevated on the flat, my legs felt like lead, and it was already 75 degrees at 7 a.m., I started cursing my husband for not listening to me.

My internal dialogue continued for a couple of minutes, and I managed to tally up several other totally unrelated reasons to be mad at him before I realized, it wasn’t his fault. It was actually me who didn’t listen… to my own voice, both internal and spoken.

So, I had to own it. I wasn’t actually angry at Brad. I was deeply disappointed in myself. I knew what I needed, I even said it out loud and I didn’t listen. But he was the perfect scapegoat.

Anger is a much easier emotion than any other: disappointment, sadness, loneliness, heartbreak, etc. It’s the most accessible feeling; it comes on quick and it usually feels justified because we can find myriad reasons to blame other people for what we feel or experience.  

Oddly, as soon as I took responsibility for my decision, I settled into the ride in a way I don’t think I would have if I allowed myself the luxury of blaming him. It also inspired about six different internal questions about what prevented me from sticking to my truth. What was it that had me ignore myself? Honestly, I didn’t really come up with a good answer. I still haven’t quite figured it out. 

But then, the gratitude showed up.  Even though my first choice wasn’t great, the choices that followed were.

I was so grateful I didn’t have any regrets about my response when he asked 3 minutes into the ride, “How are you feeling?”  I left it at “not great yet.”  Versus all of the things I was I wanted to say in the moment. 

I’m so grateful for the pause, because I know that there is always something underneath the anger. Anger is the hint to start digging.

The pause surfaced the real emotion. And it was so obvious when I sought deeper understanding. I have a pattern of not listening to myself, which often leads to resentment of others. And that’s really unfair.

The good news… I’m sure I’ll get a do-over. I will come up against many more opportunities to “listen” and hopefully, the “pause” will come in real-time and won’t be needed later.